Prime Suspect
by TheArtistAstronaut
Summary: (Kyman and Bunny) Kyle goes missing one day out of the blue. Maybe he decides to skip town, maybe he's lost, maybe he was kidnapped. If he was... The police think they might know whom their prime suspect is. Eric Cartman with the motives that line up with the case. Eric is innocent, or is he? How can he prove himself? Can he save Kyle? Where's Kyle? Kyle?


Chapter 1: Burning Sensation

"So, Kahl, you gonna ask me how my day went?" Cartman complained as he and Kyle walked down the hall together. Kyle and Eric both had 8th period together and were locker neighbors, so why bother walking to their own lockers seperately after school like losers? Psh, rather be with your enemy than nobody, as I always say.

Kyle sighed as he rolled his eyes, "How was your day, Cartman?" Cartman slammed into his locker, "OH MY GOSH! BEBE WAS BEING SUCH A BITCH TODAY DURING HOMEROOM! Ok.. so I asked her for a fucking pencil then she was like, 'Ew, like you'd be able to grab it with your fatass chubby sausage fingers!' Like, what did I ever do to that thot? Psh."

Cartman leaned into his locker to grab his backpack and turned back to see Kyle off with Stan, before leaving, though, he said, "Besides putting a large clump of gum in her hair this morning, and being an overall asshole, I would say you're a saint who's done nothing wrong." then smirked.

"Damn." was all Cartman could say. _You know what? Kyle wasn't all a bad friend. I mean, he did listen to me. Even if I do bitch about this fucking hoe hole all the time. He's kewl._ He thought as he walked home. Cartman thought he'd rather walk home than ride the bus today because it was rather nice out. 30F. That's like summer to him! He didn't even have to wear his extra sweater to school today, but the binnie stays! As he walked, he noticed a sad and lonely Kenny McCormick waiting by the busstop. "What're you doing at the stop, Kenneh? It came, like, 2 hours ago," He stopped to talk to Kenny. Kenny shrugged, "Why do you care, Chubs?" Cartman sniggered, "Woah, somebody's pissed. You wanna talk it out, Kenny Buddy?" Kenny chuckled, "Fuck off, Dude, you wouldn't understand." Cartman sat down on the nearby bench, this was going to take a while. Usually, Cartman wouldn't care but he was actually kinda curious as to why the poor boy seemed anxious for the bus that wasn't comin'.

"C'mon, Ken, you could trust me. I'm your best pal."

Kenny rolled his eyes.

"Since when do you care, Cartman?"

"Since now. Now spill!"

Kenny sighed.

"Fine."

Kenny pulled out an image of the new girl from school, "I got this photo of Samantha. I just wanted to know if it was true or not. You know how bad it feels to think someone loves you and they actually don't? Instead... they find someone else while they're still with you and don't tell ya. So, Sam said she'd meet me here. I guess she lied.."

Cartman glared at the image, he suddenly felt bad for his poor pal in the parka. He actually genuinely cared and it scared him. "Well, I always knew Samanrha was a bitch." Cartman looked up into Kenny's sky blue eyes and patted his shoulder, "but I do know how unrequited love feels, My bro. It sucks but you'll get over it. I mean, I have. You'll find someone new. I mean, look at ya. You hot piece of trash, Kenny. Get over her."

"Sounds easy enough." Kenny stared at the photo and took a deep breath. Kenny slowly ripped the photo in half and let it fly away. "There... It won't bother me anymore. Thanks for listening, Cartman. I actually like it when you act like this. You're a cool dude. I just wish you would act like this all the time, maybe then, people would actually like you, Bro. Good chat." Kenny jogged away. Was that an insult or a compliment? Eh. Who cares? Time to go home!

Cartman settled onto his couch and

began to think. What got into him? Who knows. He was pretty bored, though. No one to hang with but poor boy. "No, Kenny's probably busy dealing drugs or some shit..."

Stan was probably being gay with Kyle and vice versa.

Butters isn't dank enough.

And he hates everyone else more.

 _Eric, don't say that... You don't hate anyone!_

Cartman did a double take. Did someone just tell him something? From his own head? Excuse me?

 _Yes, Eric, it's me. YOU!_ _Stop acting like a douche! This isn't you._

 _**Excuse me? You obviously have not met yours truly.**_

 _I am yours truly. You're me. I'm you. Do you understand?_

 _**No! Stop! This can't be.**_

 _Turns out you have a subconcious, Bitch. And it's a seperate voice in your head =)_

 _**What the fuck?...**_

 _I'm going to be telling you shit for the rest of your life, Cunt. See how it feels to be shamed and ridiculed like you do to others!_

 _**Where the hell did you even come from?**_

Suddenly, this voice seemed to grow a body, a blank body. This body was like plain paper-- empty! What the fuck?

 _Why the hell are you even here? Where the hell did you come from? hmm?_

Um.. what? Who are you?"

 _And why are you so fat?_

"The preferred term is big boned, thanks, Asshole."

 _And gay, too? Ew._

"You what?"

 _Look! You're gay! Face it._

"Is that... Am I talking to me? Oh geez... What? Is that what you to tell me? That I was gay?"

 _Yes. Well... mostly. I actually wanted to ridicule you for it._

"Oh please, if I were gay, you would have to prove it."

 _Ok then =)_

The blank person snapped his fingers and transported them to the school hallway on a normal day.

There stood students frozen in several stances and positions. Some with groups, others walking (apparently), and others with by their lockers.

 _I'm gonna name a few people. You tell me if they give you a small boner, no boner, major boner, or more than just a boner._

"What? Well.. um.. ok then."

The blank person pointed to a blond boy, _Derek Child?_

"The weird, quiet, blonde white kid who always sits at the back of the class? He's too odd. Totally would shoot up the school with him, though. ((I apologize in advance for that terrible joke)) No boner."

The blank person pointed to Wendy.

"No way, Bro, used to but no more. Way back in 4th grade. Besides she's Stan's girl. I'm not stealing. That's unloyal and fucked up. Pass."

Then he pointed to Bebe.

"Too thottie. Nah."

Then to Stan

"Nah. He's Stan. And he belongs to Wendy, duh."

Clyde next.

"He's a dumb, little, fat gay boy. I'm not gay. I'll pass."

Token.

"He's Nichole's. Plus, I hate chocolate."

Jimmy.

"No thanks, Bro."

The blank person rolled his eyes, _Should I just skip a few people?_

"That'd be more quick. I was hoping you would." Cartman smirked.

 _Heidi?_

"What we had was good. Nope. But she and I are still great friends. Helps me steal chicken nuggets from kids. Even if she does regret it later. Heh heh."

 _Kenny?_

"Nope. You still trying to prove I'm gay? Well, you have so far been failing on that quest."

 _Fine. I have one more person._

The voice sounded as though someone behind it was smirking.

"Alright, but if you're wrong. Then so be it!"

 _Alrighty thennnnnnn..._

 _KYLE!_

"... No."

 _You hesitated! haha!_

"Proves nothing, Bitch."

 _You ever think of Kyle, huh? Does he ever get you riled up? Hmm? I bet he does. His beautiful curly little tuft of hair, his large and gorgeous smile, those emerald green eyes..., and how smart that little jew is._

 _"Oh and that tight little jewish bum."_

 _Boy would I like to get a taste of that kosher meat.._

Eric began to realize this seperate voice and entity was probably the works of... Cupid me... but then again.. Cupid me was fake and dumb. Just a 4th grade imaginary friend he used to cope with the burden of loving Kyle.

Eric actually began to think logically and realized... this was no seperate person at all.. This was a dream!

The static from the TV woke him up and he felt this sudden burning feeling. Like... fire pushing him towards something..

Someone.

Kyle.


End file.
